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I like to date, and I wanted to know what men are looking for in a woman’s online dating profile: I consulted a 20-something blogger and a 68-year-old ex-lover.

Both of them suggested that my long, graying hair would be a turnoff to men viewing my profile. As we age, where is the balance between being comfortable in our own skin and wanting to appear attractive?

My date banters back, “Your hair, it’s transforming right before my eyes! As we enter the restaurant, I excuse myself in search of a mirror to manage my mane. He turns around, flashing a gorgeous smile, his sapphire eyes sparkling in the dimly lit space. Me—and my big hair—are standing face-to-face with Alec Baldwin. I desperately seek a pin, elastic, anything to tie back my haphazard do. I take his lead, forget about my hair, forget about Alec and confidently enjoy yet another great meal. Stepping into Starbucks, smiles and curls abound, he spots me and waves. Did he even notice that I look different, very different? As I step up the stairs, I again remember to approach the date as a confident curly.

There are no universal rules, no quick fixes for finding the right man, and as women growing older, we all feel different about the way our looks are changing.

He begrudgingly admits to leaning on the straight side. I’m more nervous now, but there’s no time to think.

Later, he curiously asks me why I bother to flatten my curls. “Do you know how many people would love to have curly hair?

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Some months ago, I decided to conduct a survey, albeit a small one.